Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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