I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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