I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Even my vagina gasped.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
