Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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