i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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