dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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