highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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