This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...