apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.