I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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