I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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