and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
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During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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