did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
