I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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