I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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