her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
