"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
