When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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