Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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