were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
