He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
