so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize