u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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