Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
