I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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