My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
