I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
