The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
