have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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