Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
