I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
