i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
where are you?
Hypothermia
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
