I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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