One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
