If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
