i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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