dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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