my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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