alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
