I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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