Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
