ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
