Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
