Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
