i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."