It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket