There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire