just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
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Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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