i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The power of my boobs compel you
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
