thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
