Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.