Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."