I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We were destined to go to rehab together
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea