My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
