my phone cant type all the emotion im having
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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