Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
