Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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