anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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