they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
