im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
