im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
