If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
