Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
